Chapters in Life
“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”
― Jamie Anderson
It seems like such a somber way to start a new endeavor, yet it’s life and its what’s true to my heart right now. As I start this next exciting chapter, I am also filled with sadness as I close another special chapter. I lost my best little feline friend this week. If I am honest and vulnerable, I must share how hard this has been. Sulley was my first cat. I have lived with cats before and “fostered” a couple neighborhood cats for a short time over the years. I even tried to own a cat for a few weeks when I moved into my very first apartment. (That was short lived, thanks to a roommate who could see that I had no business taking care of an animal when I couldn’t really take care of myself). But Sulley was my first actual cat. One I thought long and hard about, researched (as much as I knew to research at the time) and loved so, so, so very much. I got him in June of 2022 and shortly after we experienced that hell that came from Hurricane Ian. We lost our home and our entire life flipped upside down for the following year. Sulley never missed a beat and was always the perfect companion. Without even knowing it, he somehow had become my emotional support animal. I loved that little guy so much.
Sulley died suddenly, early one morning this week. I woke up to my husband and son standing by the bed and I instantly knew something was wrong. The moments that followed are engrained as visuals in my mind that I am constantly trying to shake, and hope will eventually fade into a distant, foggy memory. I’ve cried and cried and cried. It has taken me days to get control of my emotions and I know today won’t end without tears here and there. Grief is such an awful feeling. While it’s different each and every time in its complexity and how deeply we feel it, it has that same familiar feeling. It’s like a cloud of doom, dread and sadness all mixed in as one. It reminds me of things as simple as how I felt on Sunday nights as a child when my mind registered the weekend was over, or that moment on Christmas Day, when it’s all over and you know you must wait a whole other year for it to be here again. To deep and crushing pain of losing a home or a loved one. They are all different, but oddly, their essence is still the same. What changes is how long the black cloud lingers and how deeply the pain is felt. And this one is much deeper than I ever would have expected when I held Sulley in my arms for the first time.
I have always loved animals. When I was younger, I wanted to be a Marine Biologist. We grew up with dogs and towards the end of my time living at home a couple cats were introduced. As an adult I have loved many dogs and even bred my Yorkie, Lily, with one litter. If you had you asked me prior to Sulley, I’d always have considered myself a dog person. Oh, how naïve of an answer from someone who’s heart has never been touched by a cat. Today, my answer is much different. The love of a cat is so unique and something to be cherished. It is an earned love that is gentle, pure, and subtle, yet so fulfilling. They say that a dog thinks you are God and cat thinks they are God. Which always makes me giggle, but in many ways that could be considered true. More so, I feel like a cat isn’t programed to automatically love anybody. Rather, your time and efforts create a trusting and special relationship. It’s a bond that is earned and one that slowly grows into a deeper love and connection. It’s much more complex than a dog but also so much simpler, if that is even possible. It’s a chosen love and that type of bond is special. While my time with Sulley was so much shorter than I ever hoped for, he is the little buddy that opened my cat heart, and I am so happy he was mine while he was here. I am grateful for the memories and see little reminders of him all day long. Mostly, I am grateful that our time together opened my heart. My husband told me he felt so sad and I asked him why. He shared that he hates that he just now is learning how great cats are, and that he’s sad that didn’t have a closeness to them until this late in life. That, is the mark Sulley left on our family.
The morning Sulley died, he had been up to see me in the early morning hours like he typically would. Just a quick hello and then off he went. Glenn was up before me and spent a few minutes giving him some pets and love. Somewhere within the next 15-20 minutes he had passed, and my son saw him lifeless on the floor. It was so instant, and he was so young, nothing made sense. We were all shocked and stunned. So many thoughts ran through my mind. Did he choke, did he get into poison, (do we even have poison he could have gotten into), did he get hurt?! The list went on and on and then came the guilt. I wasn’t with him, he was alone, did I miss a symptom, this is my fault.
After I spent some time with Sulley, Glenn took him to our vet for an autopsy. He immediately suspected a heart condition and later confirmed that with the autopsy findings. He confirmed what several people had suspected when I reached out to a Facebook Group with fellow Scottish Fold cat owners. Sulley had died from a genetic heart condition called Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy(HCM). This diagnosis led me down a rabbit hole I have lived in ever since.
HCM is most often genetic. While it can spontaneously present in some cats at times, it will be connected to other health issues and usually seen later in life. When a cat is as young as Sulley, and without any other health issues, it is undoubtedly genetic. Something my vet was very certain of after seeing the damage within his little heart. After doing more research, I learned of others who lost their cats due to HCM from the same breeder I bought Sulley from. It is said that if a cat with HCM breeds and produces kittens, 50% of those kittens will develop HCM. My breeders response to Sulley’s passing was this ….
“This is unfortunately life. Any person or animal can get sick or develop something any time.
But HCM isn't only hereditary. It can simply develop on its own.”
To which I never replied. After some deep diving, I saw some interactions with others who had lost their cats to the same illness from the same breeder and watched how the breeder chose not to accept any reasonability. I know enough about people to know that I may as well go and yell at myself in the mirror or bang my head against a wall. Both would make me feel the same in the end.
An ethical breeder would have immediately removed both cats from her breeding program until they could rule out a genetic connection. Or she would have provided me with proof that Sulley’s parents don’t have that condition. She did not do either of the two.
I have learned a ton in the last few days. I have spoken with various breeders, vets and read more Reddit forums than I can count. But a few things stand out. One, is that a cattery being a member of the TICA (The International Cat Association) is not enough and they, as an organization, need to do more to shed light on the potential for HCM. All breeders should be doing Echocardiography on all parents. A cattery that claims and SHOWS that they have done genetic testing for this condition is likely misleading you. There are only genetic tests available for Mainecoons and Ragdolls. Unless the cat being tested is one of the two breeds, the test results will show negative or clear on the lab paperwork but understand that the test hasn’t been done because it doesn’t exist for any other breeds. All labs should explain this on the results page or have a result other than “NEGATIVE” or “CLEAR”. Something should be in place that alerts a potential buyer that “This isn’t an accurate result”, yet it does not. The only TRUE way to know (unless you are dealing with Mainecoons or Ragdolls…and even then, some say a view of the heart is still needed) is an Echocardiography of their little hearts.
Had I even known this was in the realm of possibilities when I bought my sweet Sulley, I would have had his heart checked right away. While there is no cure, there are medications that can slow things down and prevent clotting which is typically what instantly kills them in the end. I will feel guilty about not knowing and not doing that that for years and years to come. I just didn’t even know. I trusted this breeder and the backing of the TICA and that was my mistake. I share all of this with you just so you know, also.
A month before Sulley passed we had just introduced a new kitten to our family, Bing Bong. I love that he knew and loved his big brother so much. The poor little guy has been looking for him ever since he passed. To be safe, I have him scheduled with a cardiologist to have his heart checked on a regular basis and I will do that with any cat I ever own in the future. The heartbreak that comes from something like this is too much to think of bearing again.
Loss is the price we pay to love someone or something and it is a fact of life. Yet, it doesn’t make it any easier. My mind and heart keep looking for my little friend hundreds of times throughout my day. After a while that will pass and I hate that overtime his memories will fade. But I know that is how grief works. The constant yearning slows to a trickle and the memories don’t feel as crisp. I guess in many ways that’s the only way to heal our hearts from the great hole that is left when they leave us.